I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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