If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
