Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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