I am in a vortex of obligation.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
