So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
