I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
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She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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