I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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