The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
