Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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