So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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