mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
