dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
