I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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