I will die if light touches me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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