you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
