know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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