it was like eating out sand paper
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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