come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
