just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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