I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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