I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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