found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
