I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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