I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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