The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
