it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
