Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
