picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
did i walk over a car last night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
