you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
