Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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