We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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