You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Every concussion has its silver lining
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
