I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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