"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
