so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
