If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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