this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
