You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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