So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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