I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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