she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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