wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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