don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
