i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
