Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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