I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My vagina is very pro this idea
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
