i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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