I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
