I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
