Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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