I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
