Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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