I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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