The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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