Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I pour the whiskey from now on
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
