I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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